“Let’s get an ultrasound.” My doctor said this last week after I went in to have a concern checked out. “Sounds good,” I said. The nurse called the imaging lab…their first available ultrasound appointment was 6 days away. Perfect. PLENTY of time to freak out about all the possibilities! I held my calm. I finished talking to the doctor, checked out with the billing girl and headed to my car. I could feel the tickle in my nose already. The one that comes right before I cry.
I got into my car and prayed right away. I didn’t drive away…I sat in the parking lot and prayed. I asked God to help me with the fear I could feel boiling over. I told God that I knew that I was loved and cherished, by Him, and by my family, and that I knew it was going to be okay no matter what.
I drove off…headed to run errands. I got to the stoplight…I prayed. “Help me to stay calm. Help me to not assume the worst. Help me with my fear.”
I got to the store. I prayed. “Heal me Lord. Please. By the time I go to the ultrasound appointment may my symptoms be gone. I am making the big ask…heal me completely.”
I called a friend. She had life experience that might be applicable to my situation. She offered me facts. Her experience. And most of all reminded me to stay positive. I still had no idea if there was anything to worry about yet…so try not to.
I got back in my car. I prayed. “God…please take my fear. Even though I know you are with me, and that you love me, and that everything will be okay no matter what…I am still scared at what may be. Help my heart and my head to line up with the understanding that I am cared for by the Creator of the universe.”
Headed home…no ability to carry out other errands. As I walked into the house I prayed. “God…maybe I don’t have the ability to give you my fear right now. To truly surrender it to you. Please sit in it with me? Help me to feel your presence in the midst of my fear. As my fear tornado swirls around me, may you be the strong tree that I cling to…deeply rooted…unmoved.”
I talked to another friend. She is a shining light friend with a no nonsense perspective. I love that about her. She prayed for me, with me, over the phone.
My head swirls with the possibilities. I am definitely “worst case scenario girl”…so I spend most of the time assuming that I’m going to be diagnosed with something terrible and terminal. I hit my knees in my bedroom and I prayed. “God…whatever this is…please use it for your glory. Let this experience be used for your purposes. That it would grow your kingdom. May my faith be strong, no matter what, so that you would be glorified.”
Phew…that was the longest hour-and-a-half EVER!
The next six days were more of the same. Recycled possibilities. Fervent prayer.
Here’s the deal. I am not sharing this with you to flex my faith muscles in front of you, that you might be impressed by me. That’s not what it’s about. What I want you to know is that God is the answer…NO MATTER WHAT.
There is no conversation that he does not want to have with you. He is eager to hear from you…in all things….under all circumstances. He wants to hear your fears. He wants to hear your doubts…even when they include him. He wants you to share your heart. He knows your heart…but it is everything when you willingly share it with him.
Too often I think we run through all of our fears, all of our emotions, we talk to friends, we cry, we obsess. Then we take a deep breath, and we talk to God. Now that we are calmer, and more rational, we can finally bring ourselves to him in conversation. When we do this, we miss out. God does not want our “best first date face”. God does not want you to get it all straightened out, then come to him. Just the opposite. He wants all the mess. He wants all of the feelings. All of your truth. Especially the unattractive. The dirt and the doubt.
When we do this, we are available for so much more than a prayer for physical healing. We are available for our soul to be bound to the Lord. We are available for our relationship with Him to grow stronger, deeper, wider. We are available to know a peace that is dispensed only from heaven. We are available to experience the healing of our hearts, our minds, and our bodies. We are available to have JOY AND GRATITUDE IN THE MIDST OF UNCERTAINTY.
In the next few weeks it is likely that you will have the opportunity to put this into practice on some scale. An opportunity to worry about something in your life, or in the life of a loved one. Maybe it will be health, or a job, or money, or a place to live, or a relationship. Fear knows no bounds. You may start to feel the fear tornado swirl around you. In that moment, I want you to consider that the first conversation that you should have, the first “call” that you make…that it would be to God. Then…put Him on speed dial! Call him often. In the middle of the day…in the middle of traffic…in the middle of the night. Tell Him EVERYTHING about this one thing. There will be an undeniable power created in this. You will have strength that is beyond your capabilities, and calm beyond your human reach. Choose to share all of you with God. You will never be the same.
Oh…and six days later…the ultrasound came and went. Six hours of waiting for the doctor to let me know the results. “Clear signs of inflammation, but no signs for alarm. A strong course of antibiotics and you will be all set.” Funny…I hadn’t considered THAT scenario. Have a blessed day everybody!